I'm Just Done With Everything
by ForeverFan13
Summary: Stiles felt tears well up in his eyes but he blinked a few times and shook his head. "Next time let me die. This world doesn't need me anymore." Rated T for possible trigger warnings and attempted suicide. One-Shot


Stiles slowly got up from his warm bed, tired of everything. The full moon was tonight and he was just done with all of the supernatural shit that was his life now. He got on his clothes, feeling like he was in a deep dark pit of nothingness. He had started to feel like this alot lately, not that he would ever bother anyone with his problems. He let a tear slip down his cheek then wiped his face with the sleeve of his sweatshirt. You need to be okay for everyone else, or at least pretend to be. He thought to himself.

After he was ready to pretend to be the happy, hyperactive nut everyone thought he was, he went downstairs, grabbed an apple and his backpack, and went out the door to his jeep. He sat there for a moment, practicing his fake smile in the mirror. When he thought he had gotten it down, he started the car and was on his way to school.

After throwing the completely untouched apple out of his window, he pulled into the school parking lot. He stopped the jeep, grabbed his backpack, and hopped out of the car. He walked into the school and to his locker. When he got what he needed out of it, he headed to homeroom. He slumped into his seat and let his head fall to his desk. Stiles hadn't gotten any sleep that night and was not at all ready to learn.

Scott came into the room, sitting in his seat next to Stiles. "Tired?" Scott asked his best friend.

Stiles sat up and tried to be his happy hyperactive self. "Yeah, didn't get much sleep last night." he replied, trying to force that fake smile he had practiced earlier. It came out as more of a grimace.

Scott was confused. Stiles always had a smile that made his day, but now... he didn't know. "Are you okay, man?" he asked his friend with concern.

Stiles was panicking on the inside. Pull it together! For Scott! "Yeah of course. I'm just tired." He covered up with a small smile.

Scott still wasn't buying it. "Are you sure?" He asked. Stiles hadn't seemed this upset since... well since his mom died. "You seem... sad."

Stiles was now feeling the hole in his chest widen. Someone was catching on. "I have to go." He said and quickly got up, disappearing from the room.

Scott sat still for a seconds, contemplating whether or not to go after him. He decided that he should leave him alone to cool off and call him later to see if he was okay.

***Teen Wolf***

Stiles had run back to his jeep. He couldn't handle today. By the time he had finally gotten to his jeep he was full on sobbing. Home room had already started so, thankfully, there were only one or two stragglers still outside. Once he was in the jeep and had started the car, turning on the radio up to full blast, he continued to cry. He was done with his life and wanted everything to end.

That's when the idea came into his head and he stopped his crying abruptly. "I just want everything to end." He turned the radio off and drove out of the school parking lot and into the woods. Once he was far enough in, he turned the car off.

When he took out his phone and turned on the voice recorder, he took a breath and then started. "I was just done with everything. The pain, the hurt. The hole in my chest kept getting bigger and bigger. I hadn't slept in nine days. Nine days. I was tired. Not only tired from not sleeping, but of the life I was living. I realize that this may or may not be drastic, but I just couldn't deal with that life anymore. I jumped at every sudden noise. I felt like something terrible was going to happen every second of the day. I can't breathe anymore. Everything was closing in on me and I couldn't deal anymore. When you have finished listening to this, just know that I didn't kill myself because of anyone. I couldn't deal. I was weak. It's all on me." At this point Stiles was crying. It was time for the goodbyes.

"To my Dad: You can make it through this. You have Scott and Melissa. You can do it. Please don't go back to the alcohol. It wasn't your fault. I killed myself, not you. I love you, Dad." Stiles paused for a few seconds to compose himself for the next goodbye.

"To Scott: I'm so sorry. I told you today that I was just tired. I was, but tired of absolutely everything. I'm sorry for misleading you. Remember that this wasn't your fault. You tried to see if I was okay, but I didn't let you in. I didn't want to bother you with my problems. Keep yourself safe and keep my dad together." He took a deep breath and tried to stop the hiccuping that was involved with this type of sobbing.

"To Lydia: Thank you for finally noticing my existence. You are the smartest person I know and don't pretend to be anyone else. Please, just be yourself. I love you." Stiles was crying so hard now, he had to wait a few minutes before starting the next goodbye.

"To Jackson: Don't let her get hurt. Ever. You know who I'm talking about." He couldn't say her name again. Every time he did, he began to feel like he shouldn't do this. But he knew everyone would be happier. He was just a burden.

"To Isaac: Just, be yourself. Don't pretend to be someone you're not."

"To Erika: Remember when you said you had a crush on me? I do and I think that it's amazing how a beautiful girl like you could have had a crush on a terrible, hyperactive hothead like me. You were always beautiful, don't you ever forget that."

"To Ms. McCall: Don't let Scott become a sad lump of sadness. I don't want him to feel guilty or to ever say 'Stiles wouldn't have wanted this for me.' or 'Stiles would have wanted this for me.' Just make sure to keep him at least okay. And thank you for being my second mother since I can remember. One more favor? Don't let my dad go off the deep end."

"To Boyd: When no one sat at your table at lunch, I felt bad for you. I don't know why I never sat with you. Sometimes, I felt I was the reason you wanted to become a werewolf. I hope that it wasn't my fault, but I can't help but think it was."

"To Alison: Please don't go all hunter on everyone. Seriously, No more killing werewolves. But besides that, I'll miss you. You had become a really good friend and I hope that you be happy, whether you get back together with Scott or not."

"To Derek: Derek. I'm not sure what to say to you. You are one of the good guys though, I can tell you that. Keep Scott, Isaac, Erika, and Boyd safe." Stiles drew in a long, deep breath and held it for a second, then let it go.

"I'm sorry Mom. I know I'll be seeing you shortly, but I can't finish this without saying sorry to you. Sorry for killing you." He let himself sob loudly for another minute or two.

"Goodbye to everyone else. I'm sorry for being so weak. Stay safe, alive, and don't be sad. Don't any of you ever, ever, ever do what I did. All of you must live happy lives." He was just noticing how he was putting everything in past tense, like he had already killed himself. After all, he did already feel dead inside. "With that, I must go. Don't let my death hold you down from doing anything, but please don't forget me." He took a deep breath. "I'm sorry I've made you put up with me up until this point, but I still love all of you, Goodbye."

He pressed the stop button and saved it as I'm Sorry to Everyone. He put the phone down on the dashboard of the jeep and got out, leaving the keys on the seat. he started walking towards the road. He was going to wait there until a car came and then jump in front of it. A very slow and painful death that would be. He got to the edge of the road and continued to cry. He was about to kill himself, why wouldn't he be crying. Soon enough he heard the roar of an engine and stopped crying as best he could.

He looked at the road and saw a truck coming down and prepared himself to jump. Three... Two... One. Stiles jumped in front of the car but didn't feel the impact. He opened his eyes to find Derek laying next to him breathing hard. Stiles stood up. "What are you doing?! That could have been my only chance!" He screamed at Derek through more tears.

"You haven't slept in nine days." Was all that Derek said and Stiles froze. He had listened to the voice recording. Derek stood up and Stiles saw he had tears in his eyes. "You do not go and kill yourself!" He yelled at Stiles.

Stiles couldn't breath now, he was crying so hard. "I-I'm s-s-sorry for d-disappointing you."

Derek walked up to the crying boy. "Come on." He said, starting to guide Stiles towards his home.

***Teen Wolf***

At school Lydia was freaking out. She wasn't sure why Stiles wasn't home or at school or answering his phone. She decided at lunch to ask Scott where her boyfriend was. "McCall!" she called to him across the lunchroom and ran over. "Scott! Do you know where Stiles is?"  
Scott looked at her with an odd expression. "He left this morning during homeroom. He was freaking out telling me that he was tired and then he ran out of the school." he thought for a moment. "He hasn't called you or anything to tell you where he was?" Scott was worried now.  
Lydia looked at him with a panicked expression. She grabbed Scott's arm and started dragging him towards the door. "We are going to find him." She stated.  
Scott Shrugged his shoulders, following her. He wanted to know what was wrong with his best friend.  
Soon enough they were in Lydia's car and on their way. They decided to stop by the old Hale house first. Maybe Stiles had gone there to cool off. They found his car, but not him.  
"Stiles!" Lydia called. "Where are you!" She looked down to see his cell phone on the ground. "I found his phone!" She called to Scott. "His voice recordings is up and the only one there is one called... I'm Sorry to Everyone." Lydia's voice became softer when saying the name of the recording.  
Scott jogged over and Lydia started the recording. "I was just done with everything. The pain, the hurt. The hole in my chest kept getting bigger and bigger. I hadn't slept in nine days. Nine days. I was tired. Not only tired from not sleeping, but of the life I was living. I realize that this may or may not be drastic, but I just couldn't deal with that life anymore. I jumped at every sudden noise. I felt like something terrible was going to happen every second of the day. I can't breathe anymore. Everything was closing in on me and I couldn't deal anymore. When you have finished listening to this, just know that I didn't kill myself because of anyone. I couldn't deal. I was weak. It's all on me." Lydia's heart was pounding and was waiting for the punch line on this sick joke. Scott was standing still, shocked.

"To my Dad: You can make it through this. You have Scott and Melissa. You can do it. Please don't go back to the alcohol. It wasn't your fault. I killed myself, not you. I love you, Dad.

"To Scott: I'm so sorry. I told you today that I was just tired. I was, but tired of absolutely everything. I'm sorry for misleading you. Remember that this wasn't your fault. You tried to see if I was okay, but I didn't let you in. I didn't want to bother you with my problems. Keep yourself safe and keep my dad together.

"To Lydia: Thank you for finally noticing my existence. You are the smartest person I know and don't pretend to be anyone else. Please, just be yourself. I love you." In the recording they heard sobs louder than anything that they'd ever heard and Lydia stopped the recording. Scott and Lydia were crying harder than they ever had.

Suddenly, Scott's phone rang. It was Stiles' house. He answered immediately. "Hello? Stiles? Sheriff?" he asked.  
"No it's Derek." replied the other line. "Get to Stiles' house now." Scott could hear Derek's voice breaking. Something was wrong.  
"We're coming!" He said and ended the call. "Give me your keys Lydia you're in no means to drive."  
She agreed instantly and they got into the car and faster than the speed limit allowed, they were at the Stilinksi household. Derek was waiting outside for them and Scott could see tears streaming down his face, but as soon as he saw that they had pulled in, scrambled to wipe them away.  
Scott and Lydia were out of the car faster than the speed of light. "Where's Stiles?!" screamed Scott.  
Derek looked at both of them and a tear escaped. "He tried to... tried to... he tried to kill himself, Scott." Derek said. "H-he's inside." Derek was silently crying now. He couldn't help it. He would never admit it, but he had a soft spot for the kid.  
Scott and Lydia ran inside and saw the Sheriff sitting on the couch, tissues all around him, he pointed up the stairs to Stiles' room when he saw them. They both ran up the stairs and, after Lydia silently begged Scott to go in first, he went in.

Stiles was curled up on his bed with his blanket on him He was just staring at the wall, seemingly out of tears. Tears welled in Scott's eyes. "Hey Stiles." He said softly, pulling the computer chair over.

Stiles didn't respond. He knew that Scott knew he tried to kill himself. He knew that Scott thought he was an idiot. He knew that Scott had listened to the recording. Stiles just laid there, staring at the gray wall, not caring anymore.

Most would think he would be glad Derek had prevented him from killing himself. Stiles wasn't. He wanted to be dead so badly. "I can't breath anymore." He whispered to himself, forgetting Scott was even in the room. Stiles hoped Scott didn't hear him, but he was a werewolf. Super hearing was not a good friend to Stiles.

"Yes you can." Scott told his best friend. "You can breath and you can live and you can be here. It may seem like everything is stupid or that you're weak but you're not and you can breath." Tears began to form in his eyes as he said this.

Stiles finally moved his head to look at Scott. He was crying. "But I am weak." he told him and turned his head back to the position facing the wall.

Scott stood up. He couldn't handle being in there anymore without breaking down. "Lydia is coming in next, at least I think she is." he said, getting up and walking towards the door.

At this statement, Stiles shot up. "L-lydia's here?..." He asked. She probably heard the message too...

Scott stopped and turned toward his best friend. "Yeah. She begged me to come in here first because she can't stop crying." he said, wiping his own tears away.

Stiles started shaking his head repeatedly, his heart rate picking up. "She has t-to stop crying." he said. "I c-can't h-hand-dle h-her crying..." he said, tears coming to his eyes once again. "It's a-all my f-fault sh-she's c-crying..." Stiles said, now starting to sob once again.

Scott looked at his best friend sadly and walked back over to him, this time sitting right next to him. Putting a hand on Stiles' back he said, "She doesn't want to lose you. You scared her, you scared us. We know you're sad now and we're going to get you help."

Stiles just sobbed harder into his shirt. After about 5 minutes of that he had calmed down. "I can't see her. I can't. I can't bear the sight of her being upset at me." he said and laid back down. "Tell her I-I'll see her tonight... but I can't see her now."

Scott started to say something about how Lydia really wanted to see him but if Stiles didn't want to see her right then, then he doesn't have to. Scott stood up and Stiles got back to staring at the wall.

Scott started opening the door when Stiles said, "Send Derek in next please." Scott just nodded and left, closing the door behind him.

***Teen Wolf***

A few minutes later Derek walked into the room. Stiles was now standing up looking at him walking in from the corner of the room. He was glaring at him. "How could you?" Stiles asked angrily.

Derek looked at Stiles, confused. "How could I what? Save your life?"

Stiles nodded. "I tried to do one thing for myself- hell even for all of you!- and you stopped me. I want to be dead. I want to not breath anymore. You took that away from me. I. Want. To. Die. Don't you understand?! Haven't you ever wanted to die? How about when your entire family was burned to death? DIdn't you want to die then?" Stiles asked the Alpha angrily.

Derek took a sharp breath in and nodded. "Yeah, I did want to die too." he said through clenched teeth. "I even tried, but Laura found me. And I'm glad she did. I didn't want to be saved at the time, but now I'm glad I was." Stiles was shocked. This big bad Alpha had once tried to kill himself?

"You... have tried to kill yourself?" Stiles asked slowly, making sure he was getting this right.

Derek looked Stiles in the eyes and said. "Yeah... and it was the worst decision of my life. If I hadn't stolen the wrong bullet from the argents, I would be dead right now otherwise..." tears were in the Alpha's eyes and he had to look away from the teenager.

Stiles felt tears well up in his eyes but he blinked a few times and shook his head. "Next time let me die. This world doesn't need me anymore." He said and laid back down in his bed facing the wall again. "Get out please." His voice was wavering and he was on the verge of tears.

"Stiles... There won't be a nex-" Derek began but was cut off by Stiles.

"Get out!" he screamed. Derek jumped a bit in alarm but, understanding his anger, left the room. As soon as the door was closed, the sobs started and, to Derek, they were the only sound he would be able to hear for the next few hours.

***Teen Wolf***

Half an hour after Stiles had started sobbing, he had his tears mostly dried and walked over to his dresser where he kept his emergency gun. The gun was there in case someone or something he didn't know snuck into the house and he needed to kill it or at least injure it. No one knew about it except him. Every night he couldn't sleep he would sit in his computer chair for an hour or so just looking at the gun and occasionally holding it up to his head, almost shooting himself. Every night he would do so but he never actually went through with it. One time he did pull the trigger finally ready to die, he had a letter completed and everything, but the safety was on and he couldn't bring himself to try again.

Tonight would be different. After Lydia came over, he would say his goodbyes to her, without her noticing, and then, once his father was asleep, he would make a video. He would make a video of his goodbyes to everyone and explain why he killed himself. He would have it up on his computer screen ready to be played and then he would put the gun to his temple and pull the trigger with safety off.

He was ready. He was done. He would be gone. And he wanted it that way. He would keep trying until he was dead, he didn't care what he had to do. whether he had to slit his wrists, hang himself, shoot himself, take a bottle of pills, anything. He just wanted to be dead. He wanted this one last thing for himself.

***Teen Wolf***

At around eight p.m., Lydia came back to the Stillinski residence. She was ready to see Stiles, and forced herself to keep her tears in. Once she got to the door of his room, she knocked and took a deep breath waiting for the door to be opened.

Inside the room, Stiles had been looking at the gun, fantasizing about when he would finally be able to die. Suddenly he heard the knock on the door. He quickly put the gun away and wiped away the small smile that had formed on his face at the thought of finally ending it.

He thought about how Lydia would be behind that door then he felt tears slipping down his cheeks. Will Lydia be okay? he thought to himself and opened the door, tears staining his skin.

At the first sight of Stiles, Lydia lunged toward him and wrapped her arms tightly around his waist. "Don't ever do that to me again." She sobbed into his shirt as he hugged her back tightly. All thoughts of killing himself flew out of his mind with the sound of the beautiful girl's broken tone.

"Never again." he confided.

After what seemed like hours of just holding each other and sobbing, they finally pulled away from the embrace. They both walked further into the room and Stiles closed the door. They laid down on the bed and Stiles wrapped his arms around Lydia's waist with his head on her shoulder. He turned his head and kissed her cheek lightly. Lydia moved her head and her body a bit to look at him and said softly, "I thought I'd never see you again."

"I'm here now, that's what counts." He said and smiled a small smile. She smiled back. "I love you Lydia Martin." Stiles said in a serious tone. The first time he had ever said those magic three words to her were in the recording, but he didn't think it was right for him to count that as his first "I love you" to her.

Lydia smiled softly, a tear of happiness rolling down her face. "I love you to Gernom Stilinski." They both laughed at the use of Stiles's real name.

"Hey! How'd you find that out?" Stiles asked.

Lydia smiled. "Your dad just loves telling me your dirty little secrets." she said.

Stiles smiled widely and leaned down, giving Lydia the perfect kiss. Not too hard, yet not too soft either. Just a peck, but with passion. The kind of kiss you see in the movies.

Lydia smiled softly at him after that and then said, "You are perfect. Remember that Stiles. You really are."

Stiles let tears well in his eyes. "No I'm not."he said shaking his head slightly.

Lydia let her own eyes fill with tears. "Yes you are, and I love you because of it."

Stiles just nodded then remembered his plans from before Lydia came. "I need you to do something for me." He said, letting tears fall down his face. He got up from the bed and walked over to the dress opening the drawer with the gun and taking it out.

Lydia gasped in horror at it, got up, and walked over to Stiles. "Why do you have that?" She asked, tears running down her face in rivers.

He ignored her question and continued. "I need you to take this downstairs to my dad and tell him to get it out of the house. Before you came back over... I was planning on killing myself with it... tonight. I don't really want to anymore... but I don't know what I'll do when I'm alone." Stiles told her, tears streaming down his face. He held the gun out for her to take.

Lydia slowly reached up and took the gun from Stiles, cradling it with both hands. "I-I'll be right back." she said softly. Turning towards the door, she moved the handgun into her left hand, holding it by the barrel. The cold metal was enough to make her body shake with fear of Stiles being gone. Being out of her life- forever. She opened the door with her right hand and, with one last glimpse at Stiles, left the room to give his father the cold, hard, metal gate to death.

Stiles collapsed to the ground as soon as the door clicked shut in a violent fit of sobs. He couldn't believe how sad he was. How lonely he was inside, when he has so many people with him on the outside. The girl he loved, loved him back. His best friend was starting to be there for him again. His father had his job back and was finally happy again. His life was falling into place, after so many years of brokenness. So why did he feel so empty? So... dead?

Was this depression caused by his helplessness when he was not able to save the ones he loved? Was it caused by watching his mother die for ears, waiting for her life to end? Was it caused by seeing his first and only love be attacked and almost killed by a monster? Was it caused by watching his father be bashed on the head by Matt when he couldn't even move below the upper back? Or was this caused by himself. Was it caused by him beating himself up everyday over things he could have never prevented? Was it caused by the himself?

Lydia soon was back in the room, trying to comfort Stiles. But all he could do was think about why he would do this. Why he would try to kill himself. He would never know an exact answer. He would never be able to fully understand. But what he did know was enough to help him over the lowest point in his life. It was enough to be happy again.


End file.
